Reflection 4 & 5

Chapter 11 was about fostering self-discipline and implementing solutions and consequences. I thought it was helpful that the book broke down ten behavior problems and their solutions. These problems are:

1. Children are not certain about the rules and how to follow them.

2. Children can’t figure out what actions to substitute for unacceptable ones.

3. Adults have inappropriate expectations for children’s behavior.

4. Children have difficulty controlling impulsive behavior.

5. Children have mistaken perceptions about how to gain acceptance.

6. Other significant adults, siblings, or peers advocate certain behaviors that are counter to the rule

7. Children think that the rule is unjustified or unnecessary.

8. Children have no ownership of the rules and no investment to follow them.

9. Children have learned that unacceptable behaviors are usually ignored or that following the rules makes no difference.

10. Children are testing the adult to see how far they will bend in relation to the rule and how consistently the rule will be enforced.

The book points out that any or all of these could be the real reason behind behavioral issues and that if the adult changes their own behavior, the problems usually get better. It reminds me of the saying, “There are no bad dogs, just bad owners.” Something I’ve learned from this chapter, is that we often expect so much from children and don’t remember that they are just that,—children. We need to break things down and clarify any discrepancies for them, because they’re learning and only have the capacity to do what they’ve been taught.

Chapter 12 covers how to deal with aggressive behavior in children. In order to keep children from being bullied, they need to know how to be assertive. In the book they define assertiveness as, purposeful action used to express self or protect rights while respecting the rights and feelings of others. It also states that assertive children:

· Resist unreasonable demands.

· Refuse to tolerate aggressive acts.

· Stand up against unfair treatment.

· Accept logical disagreements.

· Suggest solutions to conflict.

It’s interesting that so much that I’ve learned about young children in this book can also apply to adults as well. I can see how developing these assertive characteristics can also lead to better self-esteem in children as well. As we know, children don’t develop these skills overnight and can sometimes unintentionally have their attempts to be assertive turn to aggressiveness. Adults need to be there to guide them back to the right track.

Chapter 13 is about helping children develop prosocial behavior. Reading this chapter reminded me of what I’d previously learned in chapter 5 about children’s emotional development. At first, children can really only feel one emotion at a time and don’t have a sense of empathy. Knowing this, I can see how it takes quite a bit of time for children to develop prosocial behaviors and why they need much guidance from adults through modeling, discipline strategies, prosocial attributions, rewarding their prosocial behavior, and direct instruction. I liked how the authors suggesting setting aside time for activities that are specifically designed to promote prosocial behavior in children, such as group work. My sisters and I always laugh about how much “psychological trickery” goes into parenting. To me, a great example of this is the use of prosocial attributions. In other words, the more you tell a child that they are kind, generous, compassionate (along with smart, funny, and beautiful), they more they will believe it and act the part. This is an awesome strategy, and one that is so easy to use.

1. Prosocial Behavior- Acts that support, assist, or benefit others without external rewards. There are three steps to children beginning to act prosocially. Awareness, decision, and action. In other words, first the children must become aware of situations where prosocial acts would be beneficial to others. Next, the children have to decide whether or not they will react to the situation and how. Then, they have to decide whether or not to follow through on the action that they decided on. Adults are the biggest influence on children’s prosocial behavior. Adults need to model this behavior regularly. Behaving prosocially is imperative for children to make lasting friendships.

2. Reflections and Paraphrasing- Before this course, I had never heard of either of these. I had no idea that telling a child that they were drawing a “pretty” picture was judgmental. I think that this came as a shock to me because I felt like I had been doing it all wrong and perhaps messing up children left and right for years. Although using reflections takes quite a bit of thinking at first, I believe it is something that I will get used to with practice. I see the value in it. Behavior reflections such as saying to a child, “you’re coming down the slide”, are an effective way of showing a child you’re interested in them and also a way to narrate their world. It increases their self-awareness and makes them feel good that an adult took the time to notice them and verbalize it. Paraphrasing is a restatement, in an adult’s words, of something a child has said. These statements don’t express personal opinion, but they let a child know that you are actively listening to what they are saying and encourage them to keep the conversation going. It also allows the child to restate their original message if the listener has not accurately interpreted it.

3. Personal Messages- A statement that expresses behavior expectations for children. It includes a reflection of what the child is doing, saying, or feeling; the adult emotional reaction and the reason for the reaction; and if it is used to change behavior, then also a direction for what to do instead. I have most often used this method on my own children since learning it. When I use a personal message, I start to feel like I’m using too many words to get my point across. They always seem to be quite effective nonetheless. Breaking it down for children and telling them why their actions are inappropriate really helps them understand why they should use a different approach. On the other hand, positive personal messages are an effective form of praise. When using this method, you begin with a reflection, identify a personal emotion regarding the child’s action and gives a reason for it. Telling a child you are pleased with them and is so much more effective than a generic, “Thank You” or “Good”. It teaches children behaviors that they should retain for future use.